What's there to enjoy?

-How do you enjoy sitting in a car for 1 1/2 hours a day, struggling to not fall asleep?

-How do you enjoy working overtime when each moment is more frustrating than the last?

-How do you enjoy spending the few hours you have at home each evening by cooking & cleaning?

-How do you enjoy a few minutes of rest & relaxation with a dog barking at you to get up & play?

-How do you enjoy the weekend when there's so many projects to be completed in the yard & around the house?

I'm not enjoying myself. There is nothing to enjoy about the above. That's life. It's reality. But I don't want to live like this. I want to be myself and spend time doing things I feel passionate about and make me me. But I'm not. I struggle with this concept. There is too much I have to do and not enough time to do what I want to do. What's the line here? Am I being selfish/self-indulgent/lazy/etc???? Or am just seeking to be who I was created to be? I don't know and I'm sure I won't have an exact answer any time soon. The simple answer is to find a balance, but I've checked and that is proving to be quite difficult.

The only conclusion that I come to is that this is only for a time. It's no picnic waiting for time to pass. Wishing my days away is NOT how I want to live. But, no matter how far or few in-between, I still find there are moments that are enjoyable. A few years back, I realized through my struggles with idealism vs. reality that sometimes I have to remind myself of the enjoyable, happy times. So, the other night I wasn't able to work on my artwork, start up my newly tuned sewing machine, or my many other creative projects. I didn't even work on cleaning house or getting the entryway floor prepped for tiling. But, Benny and I sat down for few moments with the dog and made her make faces with her big lips & cheeks. That right there, is happy. I laughed until I cried and sobbed until I thought I would throw-up. And somehow, I forget those happy moments because of being "busy" and focusing on the larger picture where I'm not pursuing my dreams and accomplishing all my creative goals. While those are important, that's not reality right now. I have to work. I have to make supper. I have to get the house ready for guests. I have to do laundry. Although it's tough to swallow that, it's a matter of an attitude of enjoying the happy moments that are happening all around me and remembering those instead of the obligations I have.

What to do...

What do you do when you are spontaneously thrown a free pair of cheap sunglasses that aren't quite your style????

Train your dog to wear them :)

Although, I have to admit, they are kinda fun....

especially for spur-of-the-moment dance parties in the garage with my man, as I found out tonight...

Culinary Creativity

Growing up we pretty much ate all similar types of things. Which mostly consisted of meat & potatoes. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE meat & potatoes and my mother is a FABULOUS cook. But, it made it interesting in having the desire to try new things. In fact, the first time I had Chinese (Leann Chin) I did not like it AT ALL. Thanks to some changes in culture & hanging out with my hubby, I've branched out. I now LOVE Chinese and have ventured into seafood and even Eastern Indian cuisine. I hear about something now and I want to try it, just cause I want to know what it's like and say that I've had it. Don't get me wrong though, I am not a food snob or even a foodie. I don't have a sensitive palate. I can't take a sip of wine and tell you that it was fermented in burned oak barrels or that it has tones of blackberries and chocolate. (The only thing my taste buds tell me is "It says 'wine' on the bottle, so it's good!").

I'm just on an adventure! An adventure that involves me cooking these new items. The problem lies in that I have a love/hate relationship with cooking. The hate is 100% due to the fact that I don't get home until 5:30-6:00. Then I want to chill for a second and thus I have to rush to come up with something quick (I'm a very slow cook) and have a meal ready to go. If we are eating by 7, we are doing good. Then I usually clean up the kitchen (I'm a VERY messy cook. It drives Ben crazy). By then, the dog is going bananas cause she needs to play so I rush outside, play and come inside and then it's time for bed. So, much for trying to wind down before bed. If I don't have to work, or I get home earlier, I LOVE LOVE LOVE to cook!!! I'm pretty sure it would be one of my favorite things to do, especially if I'm cooking with wine :)

Anyway, my most recent adventure was last week as I decided to try some goat cheese (although I think chevre just sounds like it tastes better). I found a recipe in Better Homes & Gardens, baked tomatoes with crusty bread. (Click HERE for the recipe!) I tried it before, but without the cheese, cause I was a little nervous about it.  And, now that we have tons of grape tomatoes out of the garden, I figured I better try it out the real way. (But I didn't use mint because my mint plant looks dead and my basil is growing like crazy, so I went with the latter route!) Plus, it's cheese and cheese is my favorite food. Can't be too bad, can it? (I can get scared about weird cheeses though...) And thankfully the grocery store had bread right out of the oven and the cheese was on sale! The outcome was fabulous! I am convinced that this is my new favorite meal/appetizer/snack/what-have-you. The tomatoes were so sweet and flavorful and the cheese added a hint of tart creaminess. And oh, that bread. I could've sat down and eaten that whole loaf by itself! 

I have rarely tried a certain food or recipe that Ben or I didn't like. That's pretty good odds in my book! Hopefully, I can keep it that way!! (and find more time to cook!). Next up, I'm thinking of trying my hand at Beef Wellington! We shall see how that one turns out!

dreaming my dreams

I suppose there's a lot of factors involved. Namely, my necessity to use a sleep aid at night. But maybe there is something more. I don't know what you'd call it. Maybe a 6th sense or a message from God. Or maybe it's a revelation of where my heart is. I sit here now and it seems like it was all so real. It feels as though they are true memories of an actual occurence. In theory, I guess they were technically an occurence. I want to go back and experience them again. to go back and make sure they were real. Or maybe just so I could remember what actually happened, instead of just remembering the atmosphere and feelings and smells. They seem like such a part of me and on certain days , like today, I can't get them off my mind. It's like I keep going back to figure out and remember, but I can't. I can just remember how they feel and I like that feeling. What feeling would that be, you might ask?? I can't be sure. I don't think it's an identifiable one. Maybe it just feels like I'm me. Maybe it's the feeling that I'm in the place where my heart is (literally and figurtively). Or maybe I am just wishing to be back in that state of mind. To that state of rest......

What I've Been Up To...

Well, first and foremost, I have not been very good on keeping on writing this blog. Boo me on that one! It's been another one of those times where I feel so busy doing "other" things and not accomplishing the "fun" sorts of tasks I've been hoping to get to. However, there have been some moments that I need to remember to look back on and see what joy life has been & what I have accomplished instead of dwelling on what I/we didn't do. So, here's a little run down on some of these highlights...

 

#1: I've been able to get Benny WAY more involved in garage saling. He's becoming quite intrigued! It doesn't even matter that he thinks most of the places we stop at are full of junk, he still keeps going to the next one :)

#2: I've been spending a few mornings and evenings in the garden, which is now looking very happy and blossoming. The weeding wasn't a joy, but seeing the aftermath is! In fact, I have 2 baby Roma tomatoes that have just started! The excitement from accomplishing things here has diminished slightly after discovering that a herd of deer have been enjoying their breakfast in there.

 

#3: Also, I've been spending some time working in my rock garden. I was able to find a few more plants to add in: creeping phlox, hens & chicks, and some interesting fuzzy plant whose name I can't remember . In addition, I've been able to go on a few little escapades as I search for more rocks. I can't just have any old rocks in there. They have to have a certain look that draws me to collect them (I've had this problem since childhood when I would  *literally* bring buckets of rocks home from Duluth. Some of them have made their way into this rock garden).

 

 

#4: Being thankful for the irrigation sprinkler that runs through our back yard. Not only does it water my garden for free, but it is great entertainment for myself and Isis to get completely soaked by it on a hot & humid summer day.

 

#5: Over Memorial Day weekend I was able to spend a thoroughly delightful morning with my Mom and showing her the few highlights of Elk River: Diamond City Bread, a number of garage sales and Downtown Antiques, where we spent a couple hours acquiring some special items (mine included these two additions to my menagerie, hers included a 4 post bed for the dollhouse and an ERTL trailer for the sandbox).

 

#6: My car broke down and I was able to have a lovely day at home, picking 1 1/2 quarts of strawberries from our garden and then making the most divine strawberry bars!

#6: During this past holiday weekend (which is usually all the vacation I get/take), I took a moment to soak everything in and relish the fact that I wasn't at work and that this right here in front of me was dreams come true: enjoying a house with a beautiful lawn, on a beautiful summer day with my best human friend and best animal friend and all I could think was "Yay God" for creating this world and blessing us by allowing us to have these things!

An evening in the garden

With Benny golfing tonight, I had a prime opportunity to finish up some things around the yard and my two gardens. Thankfully, it turned out to an excellent evening of accomplishment, weather, a surprisingly well-behaved dog, and few little delights that made my day...

I have finally finished putting up the chicken wire fence and planting the garden, with putting the corn in. I hope it is a sucess! Except I wish I would've had more space for some other things :)

After last years disaster of the weed-drowned beans, I'm very thrilled the beans and peas have popped up quite nicely. It's amazing what a little sunshine will do!

I also was able to work in my rock garden as well, which meant toning down that HUGE hosta in front. Apparently, it really wanted to be transplanted last year.

We found a bird bath this last weekend for $15. It's chipped on the bottom and not what I dreamed of having, but after Benny set it up, I see that it fits perfectly. And much to my delight, I witnessed Mr. Robin taking a bath in it this evening.

The other surprise in the rock garden was that I found Mr. Toady hanging out under the hosta. I met him a week and a half ago and I'm glad he's sticking around and making himself at home.

And lastly, what's more fun than watching your honey-bunny, poochie-pooch having a great time on her new spring pole :) And, it wore her right out and I didn't even have to entertain!

Speaking of ugly...

...I have acquired an ugly, yellow, velvet-like chair.

A few weeks ago, I was on my typical, boring, traffic-filled drive home from work. There was really nothing special about it, except that due to nicer weather, traffic has picked up with everyone heading to their cabins up north.

With about 15 minutes left of the 35-40 minute commute, I spotted something interesting on the side of the four lane highway. As I drew closer, I noticed it was a chair, a yellow chair and I was quite intrigued by the look of it. A thought fleeted through my brain: "you should stop and pick it up." No way, was my immediate thought. I'm in the wrong lane of traffic, Highway 10 is a BUSY road and to stop on the side would be dangerous, and lastly, I didn't want to delay my arrival at home any longer. Then the other side of the argument kicked in: I actually WANT to stop, I've been feeling like I haven't been doing things that are "me" and this is exactly me. I'm sure it's bred in me to stop. My mom would've stopped and my Grandpa Rod probably would've stopped. And THAT settled it. I turned around at the next available location and off I went. I couldn't help but smile as I turned at the next light and pulled up next to the chair. (Thankfully, traffic had cooperated and was stopped at the previous intersection). I ran to the side of the road and took a quick overview of the chair, was it really worth shoving in my small 2-door car? It looked in surprisingly good shape for having fallen out of a vehicle. That was all I needed to see! I opened the passenger door and turned the chair upside down on the seat. The problem now was that traffic was zipping past me at 65 mph. How to get back in the driver's side without feeling like I was going to die? In the spirit of spontaneity, I climbed over the chair on the passenger side, knocking my head on my rear-view mirror. Now, I just had to get the door closed, which it did not want to do. The chair was taking up too much space and with the slight angle of being pulled over on the road, gravity was not on my side. After much effort, the door was closed enough to drive. By this point traffic was stopped again and I had a clear open road to pull out on. I laughed out loud the rest of the way home.

The only issue now is what to do with it. I've started the process of cleaning it in hopes that it will be redeemable as is, despite a few burn marks and grease stains. (It appears that the color used to be a rusty-red. I'm kinda fond of the ugly yellow, sun-bleached color) I think it will go great in the basement. Perhaps, Mr. Putty will enjoy it! If the stains refuse to come out, I figure I can always throw a blanket or something over it, as I have no experience at re-upholstering anything and it looks like it would be a complicated first attempt. I'm sure it would be even content to be the comfy chair in the garage. Whatever the case, it will not end up in the bonfire, like the hubby thinks.

I welcome any other ideas, as well :)

Season of the Ugly Red Jacket

I have a jacket. It's ugly according to some. But, it is one of my favorite articles of clothing, and perhaps the item that I receive the most compliments for. The story of it is that I came across it at a garage sale. I think the sale was put on by the American Legion or the Bagley VFW. The sale took place in the highest pavilion at Bagley Lake (Lake Lomond-we always called it Bagley Lake growing up). I was there with my mom and I'm pretty sure we were there looking for cheap college stuff for me. I believe they had a special going on that day: 25 cents a bag. So, why not pick up anything that looked even remotely interesting? As I dug through piles of clothes on the picnic tables, something red caught my eye.  It was a worn light-weight jacket, with a 1970's country-western kind of look to it. Instantly, my brain and my heart went straight to my Grandpa Rod. I swear he had a jacket like that. Or at least, for some reason, I have a memory of him wearing one as he went out back to get more logs for the wood stove. I didn't even try it on and took the gamble that somehow it would work because I couldn't read the thread-bare size tag. I handed the jacket to my mom to put in our bag. She looked at me kind of funny; a look that said, Why did you pick this up? You seriously want to get that? But for less than a quarter it was well worth it. When I got home and examined the jacket further, I discovered the sleeves zipped off, and so it became an ugly red vest. I don't think I wore it right away. I guess I thought it was still a little odd and not necessarily hip and in-style. Fall did come around and I soon discovered it was the perfect autumn vest. Plus, I was in college at that time, and at Oak Hills, it was ok to be weird and dress in interesting items of clothing. The rest is history. I guess it must be somewhat in style because of all the compliments I get. Otherwise, it's probably because it is authentically vintage. Frankly, I don't care if it is or not. I love it anyway.  I literally look forward to every fall and spring when the season is here! And all for less than a quarter.

Happy Season of the ugly red jacket and many more to come!!!

 

 

Slacker

I've been slacking and not doing a very good job in the past couple weeks of getting my act together. After weekends of irregularity and two weeks of insane tiredness, I feel out of it. The kitchen is a mess. There's dust on all the furniture (the downside of liking dark wood). There's enough sand and dirt in the entry way for a sandbox. Laundry is piled up in the closet and we are out of underwear and socks. Isis is wound up from being in her kennel all the time. The back yard is full of doggie poo. I could go on....

It's not that I've been that lazy (maybe just a little). I got caught up in the chaos. I have a list that is getting longer and longer of all the things I want to accomplish, and yet, I've found no time to do them. I am very much looking forward to a hubby who volunteered to help clean house tonight, a weekend at home, warmer weather, and a few days to myself when the hubby is going out of town next week for work, which means I do have TIME! Now to be wise about it!

Enemy #1

Eyelids...so...heavy...must close...for just a sec...
I'm tired. ALL the time. Exhaustion is part of my identity. But, how, one might ask, can you be exhausted and worn out when you haven't done anything? I don't know; it doesn't make sense to me either. I just know that it's possible and it is an everyday battle for me. At one point it was so bad that I could barely drive without falling asleep.

I don't remember when the sleep struggles began. I feel like it's always been that way. There are times that I can remember even as a kid where I couldn't sleep at night. It's not that I was thinking too much, sleep just never came.

About a year ago, it became increasingly worse. I couldn't sleep at night if I wasn't on Melatonin, but yet I couldn't stay awake during the day, no matter how little or how much I slept. So, I signed up for a sleep study, and this is how ridiculous I looked:

(By the way, it hurts like CrAzY when they put those electrodes on you by rubbing sand-like ooze on you. It's even worse than pulling them off later.) I slept for 11 hours that night. Following, I took a "nap test" where I was required to try to take a nap every 2 consecutive hours. I fell asleep every time. The Doctor's diagnosis: Chronic Sleep Deprivation. It sounds like something made up. And yet, it makes sense that my body just can't get enough sleep. So, the only solution is to get as much sleep as possible and to take meds to keep me awake during the day.

I'm tired. very tired. The meds might keep my heart beating and my brain processing fast, but my body still says LIE DOWN!!! I want to take a sabbatical, take three months off from working, just to see how messed up my body is and to find out if maybe, just maybe I could get it on track. I'm tired of being tired and letting it effect the things I want to accomplish. It's much easier to be lazy and chill. Or to go bed early (which I actually NEED to do!). But, no. I will live through it and fight it. There are plenty more people out there who have worse conditions than I.

Making the most of my time is the key. I need to take care of myself and still accomplish what I need to when I have such minimal amounts of energy.

Just talking about this is making me sleepy....better go get something done before I go bed early :)



First Task

This is my office. And this is how messy my office is. (it was actually worse, this was after one day of pick-up)

Books, pictures, rescued stuffed animals, and random decor cover my bookshelves.

Clearly, not a good working space.

So, task one, is to clean up this sty (or maybe I should say it will be an ongoing task!). I can't even find my desk in the rubble, how am I supposed to use it to study my Expositor's Bible Commentaries? (which I got for a steal of a deal at Half-Price Books). It's been a little intimidating to venture in. I start on one pile and end up going on to the next, without finishing the first. Organization is NOT my forte. Thankfully, I have a handyman Hubby to build some shelves, and to help patch walls, and to hang curtains and all my Europe pictures (just don't let him know quite yet). All I need is some more MOTIVATION!

To be or not to be

Hello world!
My name is Melanie and I am not happy with life. Don't worry, I am well aware that life is not all about happiness. Rather, my point is that I find myself getting so caught up in duty and responsibility (which isn't always bad), but through this, I feel that I have lost myself and forgotten how to enjoy life. My life is living me and I'm not living my life. I wake up, get ready, walk the dog, go to work, drive home, walk the dog, make supper, clean the kitchen, watch a little TV, walk the dog, go to bed. I'm tired of this same old schedule dragging me down. I have all these dreams and ambitions and interests that I take no part in. Thus, I don't feel fulfilled. Maybe it's laziness, maybe it's my chronic sleep deprivation or depression, maybe it's the fact that I'm not in a career I dream of,maybe it's busyness, maybe it's all of it. But, I know better. I have a choice and a say in the matter.

That's why I have started this blog. This is the story of me fulfilling dreams.

Dreams of:

Writing

Painting

Working on Art Projects

Exploring

Exercising

Gardening

Working with Pets

Being Outdoors

Collecting

Laughing

Reading

Studying

Being spontaneous

Going on adventures

Etc.

I welcome you to come along!