I'm tired. ALL the time. Exhaustion is part of my identity. But, how, one might ask, can you be exhausted and worn out when you haven't done anything? I don't know; it doesn't make sense to me either. I just know that it's possible and it is an everyday battle for me. At one point it was so bad that I could barely drive without falling asleep.
I don't remember when the sleep struggles began. I feel like it's always been that way. There are times that I can remember even as a kid where I couldn't sleep at night. It's not that I was thinking too much, sleep just never came.
About a year ago, it became increasingly worse. I couldn't sleep at night if I wasn't on Melatonin, but yet I couldn't stay awake during the day, no matter how little or how much I slept. So, I signed up for a sleep study, and this is how ridiculous I looked:
(By the way, it hurts like CrAzY when they put those electrodes on you by rubbing sand-like ooze on you. It's even worse than pulling them off later.) I slept for 11 hours that night. Following, I took a "nap test" where I was required to try to take a nap every 2 consecutive hours. I fell asleep every time. The Doctor's diagnosis: Chronic Sleep Deprivation. It sounds like something made up. And yet, it makes sense that my body just can't get enough sleep. So, the only solution is to get as much sleep as possible and to take meds to keep me awake during the day.
I'm tired. very tired. The meds might keep my heart beating and my brain processing fast, but my body still says LIE DOWN!!! I want to take a sabbatical, take three months off from working, just to see how messed up my body is and to find out if maybe, just maybe I could get it on track. I'm tired of being tired and letting it effect the things I want to accomplish. It's much easier to be lazy and chill. Or to go bed early (which I actually NEED to do!). But, no. I will live through it and fight it. There are plenty more people out there who have worse conditions than I.
Making the most of my time is the key. I need to take care of myself and still accomplish what I need to when I have such minimal amounts of energy.
Just talking about this is making me sleepy....better go get something done before I go bed early :)
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