-How do you enjoy sitting in a car for 1 1/2 hours a day, struggling to not fall asleep?
-How do you enjoy working overtime when each moment is more frustrating than the last?
-How do you enjoy spending the few hours you have at home each evening by cooking & cleaning?
-How do you enjoy a few minutes of rest & relaxation with a dog barking at you to get up & play?
-How do you enjoy the weekend when there's so many projects to be completed in the yard & around the house?
I'm not enjoying myself. There is nothing to enjoy about the above. That's life. It's reality. But I don't want to live like this. I want to be myself and spend time doing things I feel passionate about and make me me. But I'm not. I struggle with this concept. There is too much I have to do and not enough time to do what I want to do. What's the line here? Am I being selfish/self-indulgent/lazy/etc???? Or am just seeking to be who I was created to be? I don't know and I'm sure I won't have an exact answer any time soon. The simple answer is to find a balance, but I've checked and that is proving to be quite difficult.
The only conclusion that I come to is that this is only for a time. It's no picnic waiting for time to pass. Wishing my days away is NOT how I want to live. But, no matter how far or few in-between, I still find there are moments that are enjoyable. A few years back, I realized through my struggles with idealism vs. reality that sometimes I have to remind myself of the enjoyable, happy times. So, the other night I wasn't able to work on my artwork, start up my newly tuned sewing machine, or my many other creative projects. I didn't even work on cleaning house or getting the entryway floor prepped for tiling. But, Benny and I sat down for few moments with the dog and made her make faces with her big lips & cheeks. That right there, is happy. I laughed until I cried and sobbed until I thought I would throw-up. And somehow, I forget those happy moments because of being "busy" and focusing on the larger picture where I'm not pursuing my dreams and accomplishing all my creative goals. While those are important, that's not reality right now. I have to work. I have to make supper. I have to get the house ready for guests. I have to do laundry. Although it's tough to swallow that, it's a matter of an attitude of enjoying the happy moments that are happening all around me and remembering those instead of the obligations I have.
